Introducing The Balance (www.thebalance.io)

Midway upon the journey of life, I found myself within a dark wood, for the straightforward path had been lost.

I took a course in college called ‘Great Books’, where the professor — a tall, emphatic lecturer already famous at the UM — talked extensively about the meaning of this line, the first line of Dante’s Inferno. Most believe the line is a setup for the narrator’s journey through the Inferno itself. This professor, however, had a different interpretation: it was an allegory for how Dante himself felt at that stage in his life — middle aged (at 35!), exiled from the city he loved, grappling with his own demons.

Throughout my own life, I also at times found myself in a dark wood. At the same age as the narrator — 35 — it became clear to me that I wasn’t the best I could be. Dealing with the emotional challenges of a startup and the daily attempt to juggle a demanding work environment with the everyday commitments required to be a present father and husband were taking their toll.

So at the beginning of 2015, I embarked on a journey with a simple — but by no means easy — goal: to be happy, and improve the lives of those around me (while still being effective at work and home). I changed my reading habits, picking up self-improvement & self-help books that I previously would have dismissed as hokey and treated with cynicism. I started learning eastern philosophy, practicing meditation and reading all of the articles on mindfulness I could get my hands on. More recently I started experimenting with diet to maintain consistent, healthy energy throughout the day.

I also started talking to others in similar life stages about their approaches to similar challenges. Quickly I discovered that I was not alone. I started to collect best practices from the people that I would meet. I realized that if so many of us are coping with the same challenges every day, it would be a valuable resource to make these daily practices exposed & available to others, too. The wisdom of the group always trumps the wisdom of the individual. Thus, the balance was born.

The balance is an interview series with a handful of people every month — high achievers with demanding lives who are always trying to get better. We discuss their daily routines, & how they achieve happiness and balance. I’ve borrowed inspiration from influential books such as The Power of Full Engagement, podcasts such as Jerry Colonna’s Reboot and long-form interview series such as Om Malik’s Pi.co (with, as I’ve since learned, a strong dose practical effectiveness tips a la Tim Ferriss). I am publishing these interviews on Medium, and also trying to learn how to develop a following for a small passion project.

Mostly, however, I am doing this for the greater good, for folks like me, and hope to touch and improve lives as mine has been through the process of sharing with others.

Buddhism in business: compassionate communication

Earlier this year, I read a book called The Art of Communicating, by Buddhist author and activist Thich Nhat Hanh. It was an insightful read on a compassionate, mindful approach to everyday communication at home and at work.The goal of communication is to be understood by others and understand what others are seeking to communicate. But it’s so easy for this simple idea to be derailed. 

Firstly, technology often gets in the way. I’ve been guilty many times of flipping open a laptop to check or respond to quick email, or receiving and responding to texts and IMs on a mobile device. Not only to these interruptions immediately rip you out of the present moment & break the communication flow, but they also signal to the communicator that ‘I have more important things to do than be in this conversation right now’. If this is really the case, there’s little point in speaking in the first place! Every worthwhile conversation deserves full attention. I try to take technology out of my meetings and conversations entirely, unless I am in the midst of an urgent situation that requires me to be on standby. 

Secondly, in conversation we have the tendency to compose our own responses in our heads while someone else is talking, or for our minds to wander off topic completely. This tendency is completely normal and human - however it also stands in the way of the goal of a conversation. It also isn’t the kind of empathy you’d want extended when you are speaking. Borrowing a trick from meditation, when this happens I try to recognize that its happening, and bring my mind back to the conversation. I also bring my attention to my breathing.

Deep listening and right speech

Nhat Hanh talks about the two key elements to compassionate communication: deep listening, and right speech. 

Deep listening

Deep listening is listening to the other person with the only intention of relieving the other person’s suffering & making them feel better (suffering is a very Buddhist word but the principle behind it is what matters). This means listening fully, not interrupting and suspending judgement - not wanting to inject our own views or point out where the other person is misguided. Only then are we in a position to respond fully to the other person. If this idea seems a little too Buddhist for the workplace, or not every quick exchanges don’t allow for this kind of patient communication, I still find it to be an empathetic method for framing the right way to listen vs. respond in a particular situation. 

Right speech

Nhat Hanh talks about 4 guidelines to right speech, derived from Bodhisattva teachings: tell the truth, don’t exaggerate, be consistent / no double talk, and use peaceful language: 

Tell the truth - at a basic level, being truthful establishes an irrefutable pattern of trust with others, which is a fundamental building block of any healthy relationship at work or home. As soon as any doubt exists in a truthful relationship, everything is in doubt. 

However, telling the truth for me goes beyond its straightforward definition. As Kim Scott talks about in her article ‘Radical Candor’, I consider telling the truth being truthful to the point of entering into sometimes uncomfortable territory of saying what needs to be said in order to make the individual or team better. This includes pointing out areas of development on the spot (if you are thinking it, you should figure out how to say it). 

However, its important to always maintain empathy and have a ‘radically candid’ discussion from a place of trust - as Nhat Hanh says, if the truth is shocking we need to find a skillful and loving way to say what needs to be said. For this reason, real truth telling requires a lot of practice. 

Don’t exaggerate - there’s a tendency to exaggerate in the workplace, where emotions can run high and data is often ambiguous. So, in order to make our point sound more credible or win the argument, we sprinkle in something that isn’t quite true, or at least we don’t know for sure that it is. Exaggeration erodes trust and stands in the way of effective communication. It’s okay to feel things and not only speak from fact - however this means labelling feelings and ideas rather than presenting them as facts. 

Mike McCue also talks about critical decision making from a position of fact in ‘The Most Powerful Lesson I’ve Ever Learned In Business’. Slightly off topic, but worth a read. 

Be consistent / no double speak - this refers to communicating different things to different members of the team about the same topic as a way to try and control the situation (or maintain some sort of information advantage). Double speak is both taxing on the individual as well as the organization. For the individual, maintaining multiple versions of who we told what to takes up brain power than can be used for more productive activities. For the organization, this can cause division in the ranks (e.g. this person tells me things he doesn’t tell you). Of course, this needs to be appropriately balanced when it comes to sensitive items, but for the majority of organizational information should be equally accessible across the team. 

Use peaceful language - any speech that is ‘violent, condemning, abusive, humiliating, accusing or judgmental’ absolutely has no place at work. As Nhat Hanh says, when we speak in a way that causes tension and anger, we are nourishing violence and suffering. I would add trying to tone down strong or overly assertive tendencies in communication, as if any member of the team feels intimidated, its an environment where not all facts will be shared freely and openly. 

For anyone interested in good introductory books on Buddhism - with a surprising amount of wisdom that can be applied in the workplace, I’d recommend this book as well as Pema Chodron’s ‘When Things Fall Apart’.

My thoughts on hiring slow & firing fast

Yesterday I had the pleasure of sitting on a NewCo panel, moderated by David Mandell of Pivotdesk, about building and maintaining company cultures. One interesting conversation developed around the familiar startup philosophy of ‘hiring slow & firing fast’. I agree with this approach broadly, but I also think its subject to really easy oversimplification or misinterpretation. So here’s how I think about it.

I don’t necessarily hire slow, although I do ensure that I go through the process of defining the organizational need for a specific role upfront, with a clearly written job spec to match that articulates (to the best of our ability) my view of the skills required for success. Once this is put in place, hiring may happen very fast, or it may be very slow - it all depends on how quickly a candidate surfaces. When we see what I like, I tend to hire very quickly. For this reason, I’ve always treated candidate short lists with some cynicism - find me one great person that meets the requirements I’ve articulated, and I’ll won’t hesitate to pull the trigger! And of course, when in doubt, don’t hire. I talk more about hiring process in my Empowered Hiring post. 

On firing fast: the question isn’t how quickly to act when there’s an obvious personnel problem - the question is when is the personnel problem obvious, & how fast is fast enough? I came out more conservative than the panel on this. In my view, you can’t make a decision as serious as a termination without separating facts from emotions. And while there’s often a compulsion to fix the situation with immediate action to make ourselves feel better, taking a few more days or weeks to make an appropriate, balanced decision is only fair to the individual in question (& the broader organization). After all, it might have taken months of time to get who the hiring manager believed to be the right person in the room in the first place, following a well-run process and organizational commitment. Jerry Colonna articulates this tradeoff well in his post ‘The Gift of our Ambivalence’. None of this obviates the need to act quickly for egregious performance issues or gross misconduct. 

More broadly, letting someone go should never come as a surprise. One panelist had a ‘3 meeting rule’ - after a job-effecting performance issue has been raised, if it hasn’t been rectified in three meetings its time to part ways. Another had a ’30 day rule’ - meet at the 30 day mark following the feedback to review. When proper steps are taken through disciplined, regular performance management, it should be obvious to both sides that expectations aren’t being met. High performing individuals don’t want to be in a role where they’ve lost support from their hiring manager, regardless of what the company feels. And if this outcome is too difficult for the individual or manager because there’s too much on the line - a family has been relocated, a stable job left behind - its probably appropriate to openly discuss worst case scenarios during the hiring process, not after. Part of the adventure and opportunity of joining a high growth business is that there are no guarantees (thanks for the quote, David), so best to expose this implicit risk explicitly.

Setting Expectations

The best way to establish a productive & stress-free relationship of any kind is to set the right expectations. But it’s tempting at times not to have the discipline to appropriately set expectations at the beginning. I’ve experienced the anxiety of mis-setting expectations on the receiving and the giving end, which has led to a lot of discipline with my own expectation setting.

Good expectation setting examples in the real world

For customers.

At onefinestay, we try to set expectations at the onset for how a customer is likely to experience the service. This doesn’t mean playing to the edge cases - but what we genuinely believe is likely to happen in the host or guest experience. For the host, who is offering their home to guests while their out of town, this means investing the time upfront to ensure understanding of wear-and-tear, what happens in the event something goes wrong in the home during a guest stay, and how we respond - timelines, who pays - should that something actually cost money or time to remediate. We also try and set expectations to the best of our ability around likelihood of bookings at various price points and times of year. This means investing the time up front to present hosts with actual data from our business (e.g. if you live in a 3-bedroom in Chelsea and will be gone this summer, we will pull comparable homes from both the market and our own internal host community and speak to performance - and leave this behind after our first meeting) so an informed choice can be made. Hosts are always evaluating an alternative, even if it’s just leaving their home empty, and we only want to enter into situations where we believe we can provide the killer product. 

For guests, this means doing everything we can prior to the booking and arrival stage so that they know what they’re buying. We’re building out a new accommodation category - a home with hotel-style benefits, so sometimes expectation setting is as fundamental as ‘be aware - you are booking a real person’s home!’. We also try and list all of the home specific quirks transparently on the home listing page in a ‘home truths’ section - if a cat lives in the home and you have allergies, you’ll know this upfront.  

For hiring.

Jerry Colonna says that what employees need most to succeed is clarity. Amongst other things, this means a well written job spec that reflects the actual work required for the role. I try when interviewing to ensure a prospective hire knows what they are getting into by asking ‘what’s your understanding of the day to day role’? Lastly, it’s really important to talk about how things like typical office hours, expected out of hours responsiveness, promotion, and pay cycles work within a specific environment - this varies a lot between organizations so is best to expose fully. I can still remember countless evenings when I was a banker, work done for the day, not knowing whether or not it was OK to go home and get some rest.

For special cases, I loved Sheryl Sandberg’s story in ‘Lean In’ about Cynthia Hogan, who was asked by Vice President-elect Joe Biden to join his staff after taking time off to have kids. Instead of declining a role due to her presumption of the late nights required, she flagged this as a concern early to which Biden responded ‘well, you have a phone and I can call you when I need you after dinnertime’. Cynthia exposing her situation upfront led to her boss resetting his own expectations so he could bring in the right talent for the job. 

For investors.

Do you know the return or liquidity timing expectations of your investors? Even within the VC world, I’ve observed a surprising amount of variation in investment performance expectations - some funds will steer the business towards ‘$1bn or bust’ outcomes, whereas others would prefer safer bets for more conservative returns. Some funds are investing purely to maximize financial return, others have non-monetary objectives. And, fund lifecycle will play a big part as well - are you the last deal in an aging fund with a lot of unrealized investments or the first deal in the next fund with a proven track record? This more than most other aspects of business can dictate strategic options down the line. 

For suppliers.

For suppliers & service providers, discussions often get mired in complicated contracts drafted in legalese. This can make the more human challenge of expectation setting more difficult. In some cases, contracts can be modified to reflect the intent of the agreement. If not, I always establish a clear ‘plain English’ understanding, in writing, of how I expect things to unfold if not everything goes as planned, and ask for confirmation of agreement in writing, too. Or I find a supplier with a more robust contract. At onefinestay we’ve found this particularly valuable with maintenance providers - e.g. plumbers, exterminators, general contractors. It was illuminating to contrast what certain suppliers would say over the phone vs what they’ll agree to in a contract. 

Causes and remedies

In my experience there are two root causes of mis-set expectations - one innocent and the other more insidious. The innocent cause of mis-set expectations is a misunderstanding - language is complicated and conversations can often conclude without both sides in full agreement. To combat this, I often find myself repeating certain salient points to underscore their importance (even at the risk of redundancy), and sending an email recap afterwards. I also always try and practice what Thich Nhat Hanh calls ‘language of the world’ - when in doubt, use the simplest word or phrase possible to agree a point. Good communication is about understanding, not demonstrating an advanced command of a language.  

The second root cause - and one that I’ve certainly fallen victim to from time - is a glossing over specific details because of fear losing the ‘deal’ - the investor, the hire, the revenue. So we kick the can until a future day of reckoning, when either we get lucky because an outcome we’ve alluded to comes to fruition, or things fall apart and we have to pick up the pieces. Needless to say: this isn’t a good outcome for the expectation setter and can leave a permanent feeling of disappointment with the other side. It’s also a great way to stress yourself out in the meantime, which isn’t a good way to live. There are a number of personal development strategies for dealing with fear. And as my old boss used to say, part of the battle is being completely comfortable with any potential outcome so that you’re not afraid to lose the deal - whatever that deal may be. 

Parting thought 

Proper expectation setting means working through fear to arrive at a transparent outcome for both sides. It’s not always the most expedient thing to do, and can sometimes even feel awkward. Have the discipline and patience to do it right - it has certainly made a difference in my life. 

Providing certainty in interactions

Lately I’ve been trying hard to provide clarity and certainty in my interactions with friends, family & colleagues. This practice began last year when I was documenting email best practices for my ‘sending good emails’ post - for example, when I receive an email with an action for me, I’ll send a quick one-liner response - e.g. ‘got it - will get back to you by end of day’, or ‘noted’. As I’ve started to think more about this idea, I’ve realized that providing insight into my thought processes applies to many other situations I encounter on a regular basis and can help the person on the other end of the interaction. Some of this thinking was codified by Jerry Colonna’s interview with Duncan Morris on the Reboot podcast.   

One example of a common situation: a colleague in a professional setting poses a hard question that is going to take me a few days to work through. Rather than starring the email and revisiting when I have some headspace, or responding vaguely e.g. ‘let me think about this’, I am trying to be more specific - e.g. ‘that’s a challenging question and I don’t want to answer off the cuff - how about I think about this and get back to you by Friday? Alternatively, if you’d like my ‘gut’ reaction now, happy to provide’. 

This practice can also be applied with interactions with family - for example, if my daughter Alice asks me to play with her but I’m unable to in that moment, rather than saying ‘not now’ I’ve been trying to be more specific: ‘Lets play in 10 minutes after I do x/y/z’. Hopefully this extra bit of certainly removes any potential stress or wondering when I am going to be available, and frees her mind to focus on more productive thoughts.   

An example of this playing out in a different way is with Danny Meyer’s ‘Hospitality Included’ - removing any stress or drama about tip levels for servers by baking gratuity into the bill across USHG’s restaurants. I was moved by stories of waitstaff crying at the end of the night & would imagine it’s had a strongly positive effect on organizational mental well-being. 

Practicing providing certainty has been a nice way to apply extra empathy in my interactions, and has hopefully made the people around me a little happier.

My year in reading & listening

Heading into the new year and thinking about 2016, I decided to do a look-back of all the content I read and listened to in 2015.

In 2014, I dove headfirst into the business memoir - personal stories of entrepreneurs, their management philosophies, and company growth. This is a genre that resonated deeply with me, and helped shape the way I think about leadership. I found the stories of business leaders such as Danny Meyer, Chip Conley & Howard Schultz to be inspiring and engaging, and the perfect supplement to more foundational business books such as Good to Great.

Towards the end of last year, however, I was seeking a change. As someone who loves history in particular, its always been a regret of mine that I didn’t take more history courses - or explore liberal arts more broadly - when I was in college. So early in the year I started reading and listening to lots of classical history. One enabler of this was Audible’s addition of Great Courses content - college-style lectures on sweeping topics such as ‘The History of Ancient Rome’. I ended up listening to three 48-lecture series on classic civilization: Daily life In The Ancient World, The History of Ancient Egypt, & The History of Ancient Rome. I also read a new history book on Rome - SPQR - as well as a book on the historical Jesus (Zealot) and a travelogue set in the ancient world (Travels with Herodotus by the late Ryszard Kapuscinski).

Some of this was a lot of fun. However, looking back, its disappointing to me that out of the hundreds of man-hours of reading and listening I’ve actually retained very little. I can’t remember a single thing beyond names from Travels with Herodotus (although this coincided with the birth of my second child, so perhaps I’m being too self-critical), and I only have a hazy recollection of much of the Great Courses content. Perhaps I’m not as interested in history - at least in this stage of my life - as I thought I was, or perhaps I just need to consume history in a different way - e.g. visually through documentaries and museums. I also think chronological history probably isn’t my thing - when the history was more narrative my retention was far higher.

There were some highlights, however. I read Lean In, & would recommend it to everyone. And a quick and great read was The Internet is my Religion, written by entrepreneur Jim Gilliam, about the connective power of the Internet against the backdrop of a fundamentalist Christian upbringing, loss of a parent to cancer, and cancer survival himself. Over the summer I also decided to re-read one of my all time favorites, Thomas Pynchon’s Mason & Dixon, partially as a challenge to myself to see if I could do it. With family & startup responsibilities, my life isn’t exactly conducive to tackling an postmodern 800 page book written in 18th-century prose. I’m glad I got through it, and recommend it for anyone looking for a surreal, historical novel about pre-revolutionary America by one of the best all-time authors.

I also read a book that was life-changing. 10% Happier by Dan Harris is a readable introduction to the teachings of Buddhism and meditation. The power of the book was Harris’s ability to lead me on an emotional journey of self-discovery where the story arc leads to incorporating Buddhist practice into daily life. It was a great trojan horse - I’m not sure whether I would have been as open to education about Buddhism and meditation practice any other way.  I intend to read more about applied Buddhism and spirituality in 2016, and subscribed to Triangle magazine to kickstart the year with some of their content.

Over the past year I’ve also stopped switching between reading book & audiobook, as I had highlighted in my post ‘Reading Books 2.0’. My tentative plan for listening headed into 2016 is to move to fluffier audiobooks where missing a detail here and there doesn’t really matter, as well as try out some new podcasts. I haven’t quite figured out the optimal way to mix audiobooks with the voluminous amount of podcast content into a cohesive listening library, but I’m going to try. I just started Jerry Colonna’s Reboot podcast and have been enjoying it immensely, so am hopeful that keeps me busy for a while.

In terms of reading goals for 2016: I am starting the year focused on self-improvement, self-discovery & ‘applied’ spirituality (e.g. the teachings of Buddhism, Judaism, and other spiritual or religious disciplines to modern life & leadership). I started a book featured in Amazon’s ‘Customers also bought’ section of 10% Happier called the Gifts of Imperfection. Other samples downloaded on my Kindle: Choose Yourself, The Art of Communicating, Soulcraft. I also want to tackle the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People once and for all (I’ve had several stops and starts) - same with Victor Frankl’s Man’s Search for Meaning. Lastly - as with listening - I’d like to figure out the right way to incorporate blogs and articles into my repertoire. I find that I skim this content during the day at my desk and retention is very poor. I’m trying out the app Pocket with the hopes that it can be my knowledge base.

Lastly, since I like to track these things, here are my overall stats for the year: about 3,210 pages consumed (only counting books I completed, not stops and starts), which averages to about 60 pages per week. I’m hopeful that I can accelerate this pace in 2016, particularly as I seek out books that are more readable and directly relevant.